The Absolute Love of My Life
2012 is over!
And boy am I glad!
Honestly… 2012 kicked my butt. I really went through it this past year. Between the birth of my daughter and the end of my 8yr relationship.. plus everything in between… this year made me.
They say that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Obviously that must be true because I’ve never felt stronger in my stance than I do now. The birth of my daughter was a beautiful thing. Jaia Laurelle is the light of my life. But, her birth also made me realize that I need so much more for myself. Sadea needs to LOVE Sadea. And while I do love myself, I don’t love myself the way that I should. I need to get back to ME. I’ve spent so much of my short adult life taking care of someone who honestly didn’t love me. And it hurts to admit that but its the truth.
Love is equal to Respect.
If you can’t respect me, then you can’t love me and you can’t tell me any different. I mean, this man had me ready to go all “Resentment” by Beyonce on him. But, I’m happy for the experience. There are so many experiences that hurt me to my core but I’m thankful that I went through. I’ve learned so much about who I am as a Woman. I am powerful and I’m learned just what that power will hold. I don’t want to dwell on the wrongs that have been done to me… but the rights that I can create from those opportunities. I have an incessant need to be better than what I’ve allowed myself to be. I finally pushed the clouds out of head and opened my eyes. It hurt… it cut me deep.
My child’s father abandoned me.
I f*cked up school and my credit.
I have to be an adult.
I have a dependent.
These are truths that were hard for me to face. And as I face them head on, I can admit that I’m terrified and excited for my future. Stepping out entirely on faith and asking God to be the guiding light in my life. If I never needed him, I still know that he’s holding my back no matter what.
Wish me luck….
Writing Music: Rihanna’s “We Found Love”
Surprise Folks!! Yes, that is the fetus that lives inside of me. Surprised, much? Yea.. so was I. For those who care about the back story… I found out on October 7th, 2011. It was a few days after my birthday and something was noticeably absent. I couldn’t believe that lil pee stick. I really thought it was fake… so I did like any girl would do… I cried and called my sister. LOL. She tried to talk me off the edge, and she did, but I was still scared. I don’t believe in waiting for anything so I drove my good health care-having ass to the ER and demanded a ultrasound. Well… I didn’t demand, I more or so acted really scared and they checked me out. I was so pressed because earlier in the week I had been drinking a little for my birthday so I wanted to make sure that everything was ok.
And no, I did not drink at my birthday party. My Em and Millie switched out drinks for me. Didn’t wanna offend anyone and also wanted to keep myself and baby safe!
Surprises… They can be a hard pill to swallow. This was the biggest surprise of my life. I was one of those girls who was always like “Why is EVERYONE getting pregnant?”. I still wonder that. But its mostly for those who continue to get pregnant or those who don’t have their priorities straight. Even though I am only 3 & some change months into this, My life has CHANGED! I can’t imagine doing or thinking some of the ways that I use to. It also took me a long time to get here. I had a surgical procedure that was supposed to null any chance of me EVER having an offspring. To say that I don’t feel blessed and highly favored by God is such a tremendous understatement! I feel unworthy that he favors me so much. Its tremendously overwhelming yet… I feel so loved. :) The alternative was never an option for me… This is a child that my God has given me & I dare not spit in his face. My calling is higher than I could have ever imagined… and I am grateful.
As Rihanna says… We found love in a hopeless place. I mean We as in my child’s father and I. For most who know me personally, you know who is the other 23 chromosomes in this. He is an AMAZING man. And there is love here & all around us. I ask that you continue to send your blessing. No pity is needed. I’m 23 years young, I have a permanent full time job, a great school career and a loving support system. Trust when I say… I AM GOOD :)
**Special Shoutout to My Core Four: Em, Mill, Jaz & Whit… The love you’ve sent my way is amazing. Baby has some great Aunties :)**
Sigh… I’m an emotional ass person. Lol… I know that thats a hell of a way to start a post but honestly, it’s the reason why I’m writing. Most people think that I’m hard… I’m not. Most people think that I don’t cry… I do. Most people don’t know me so truthfully, they don’t know a damn thing about me. I often joke that I’m the most internally emotional person & that’s true. I use to wear my heart on my sleeve but after getting that used and abused, I tried to not feel anything. Well… that didn’t work either. It actually caused me to become emotional at the WRONG times & that isn’t so good. So now, I choose to feel everything internally and express it when it needs to be expressed. What often trips me up is when someone expresses them self to me. Its not that I can’t be empathetic, I can. But, more often that not, I’m not sure of how to process it, esp. if how they feel has to do with me.
Sidebar: Tonight’s post is inspired by One Last Time by Dondria & Broadway (its actually the 1st song to play on here :)
So… last Friday, someone expressed something to me and it eff’d me up. Actually, Friday was a day that it seems that everyone wanted to express themselves to me. I don’t know what was in the air or what people were drinking but I had everyone wanting to share feelings with me. Honestly, I was overloaded. I was tired of being the sounding board for everyone and I just wanted to get drunk, party & bullshit with the crew of people that I was with. So, naturally, when this person expressed what they expressed.. I was already emotionally exhausted. What caused me to engage with this person was 1. Who they were & 2. The nature of what they were saying. Personally, I thought that the conversation I was having with this person would never happen. And, I actually preferred it that way. Its refreshing to have someone that you can banter with who you don’t have to let in. I never engaged in the “Feelings” talk with this person because, honestly, I didn’t want them to really get into my life. It sucks to say that but that’s my defense. If I don’t have to share any of my feelings with you, we’re still on an impersonal level. Its my wall against the world. And, to have this person invade my fortress with their emo talk and forcibly break that wall infuriated the flying fuck out of me. I really wanted to say “How fucking dare you bring this shit up” but I didn’t. I listened as much as a person can actually listen via SMS. I responded, I actively participated in the conversation, I even agreed with some things. The wall was crumbling so I just went ahead and knocked the damn thing down & said how I felt. I can honestly say that I’m having regrets over doing that. I feel naked. I feel vulnerable. Most importantly, that person knows how I feel & that scares the shit out of me. There’s a certain uneasy feeling about knowing that another person can affect how YOU feel & they might never realize it. I explained to that person that I kinda didn’t appreciate all the mushy-dushy feelings talk because nothing would change. See… its one of those situations that even though its great to know how the other person feels/felt but it almost means absolutely nothing because nothing can change. The only thing that can change is the relationship between you & that person. You hope that it doesn’t change for the worst but then frustration kicks in & you’re fucked. You almost wish that you could say “Fuck you… don’t fucking talk to me” as a defense mechanism but what does that really prove. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing! It makes a hard situation 10x harder. It was hard enough keeping my shit in check & not expressing anything but the brighter side of Daya to this person but shit, what the hell do I do now. Do I pretend not to care? I can’t act on anything so that’s out the question. Maybe I’m thinking that I have to do something and I don’t… who really knows. So… instead of saying all this to that person, I choose to write it here. If you can’t tell… it matters to me. I only care about those/things that matters to me and this situation matters to me. I told my Best Friend months ago “This can’t possibly end well”. It can’t… but damn, its so hard to let go of….
It sucks when someone matters to you……
I’ve been hip to Miguel Johntel for a while now… But the visual for this song turns me on #whylie
had to jack this from the homie @thisisjay216 #CuffingSeason is right around the corner lol
“only once the drugs are done… I feel like dying, i feel like dying”
My absolute fav Lil Wayne song. Ever.
“I’m not supposed to want you, but i want you”…